piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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