So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
