were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This toilet bowl is my home.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
