I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize