I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
