I am in a vortex of obligation.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
