Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
