Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
