chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
