I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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