The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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