I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
