i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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