doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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