He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
