he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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