I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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