the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
