I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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