I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
