forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
