Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are we still banned from the library?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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