Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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