The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
