dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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