bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
