I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
