Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
