my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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