I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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