ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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