Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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