Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
