I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
