its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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