well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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