According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
