i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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