Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
