have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
