Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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