when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
