Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
