i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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