he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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