I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
