every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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