How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
