I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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