I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
What drink are we having for lunch?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
