I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
