She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I wear drunk well.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
