The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
