My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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