oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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