Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
