we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
