Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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