Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
