We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
