I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
